I am a procrastinator

I just thought of my blog that I had started so long ago, and logged on to find that I have been really bad at keeping up.  I thought that I had kept a better record of my cancer journey.  So much has happened and now it has been over a year, I don't know if I can remember details to record.

Torey and I decided that the best thing I could do for me would be to have a bilateral mastectomy.  I have known too many people that did not opt for this and are now gone.  I also felt that it would be best for me just for the sake of not worrying about it everyday for the rest of my life, a peace of mind sort of speak.

We chose Dr Eric Anderson to do the surgery, and he suggested that Rob Ferguson do the reconstruction. When we met with him, he told us that part of healing is to go ahead with the reconstruction.  He said that most of the women that don't do it will come back a year or so later because they don't feel very good about themselves.  I just kept thinking that yeah I will have nice perky breasts again woo hoo.

I was told that since the cancer was in one of my lymph nodes, the process would be to have the surgery, then chemo.  I didn't need radiation because of where the cancer was.  I had made arrangements with my work, and my family as to when I would have the surgery.  My parents were coming to Utah the night before so that I could get a blessing from my dad.  I was working and getting ready to leave when I received a phone call from my insurance company saying that they would not pay for the non affected side.  It was 4:30 p.m.  I just started crying.  I do that a lot lately.  I called my mom and dad, they were on their way already.  They said that I should go ahead and do it, and they would pay for it.  I called Torey also and he said lets just do it and we will pay if they won't.

Now as I'm writing this I remember another little bump in the road we had.  Dr. Ferguson's MA was gone to Disneyland when I first met with him, and we set up the surgery date without her.  He even told me that she would not be happy about the date because she would have to reschedule some other patients that were clinic visits, but that was the only day both surgeons could coordinate.
I had received a call from the OR and had been given a time, and Torey also saw my name on the schedule since he has access to it.   I got a call from Dr Ferguson's MA saying that there was no way I could have the surgery that day and that it would need to be scheduled a month later.   This also was the day before my surgery, so you can imagine how I am feeling right now.  I called Torey and told him.  He was not happy.... he called to talk to them and didn't get very far so he walked up to the office and showing up in his green scrubs and OR hat had some effect ( he looks important and people think he is a Dr.)  He got it straightened out and my name got put back on the schedule.  I love him for that.

That night my parents got to my house and my Stake President Ken Moss and Bishop Dave Greensides came over to give me a priesthood blessing.  I remember crying the whole time but trying to listen to the words, trying to feel peace, trying to feel better about my decisions that I was making.  My dad gave me a very nice blessing.  I love him for this.   I did not feel instant peace of mind, but my Stake President said he did and that things were going to be OK.

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Alisha and Devin
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My Journey Begins Sept 11, 2012

Sometime around the end of August, I was taking a shower, and thought I felt a lump that I hadn't noticed before.  It scared me and I kept checking to see if I had the same lump on the other side.  I was hoping that I was just imagining it.  I have always had lumpy breasts and wondered how I would ever be able to tell if something was different.  But luckily I did feel a change and I don't know if I am more aware because of my job, or that I found it because I had lost some weight.  Maybe both.

I waited until after Labor Day weekend to schedule an appointment to have a diagnostic mammogram.
I scheduled it at the womens center at IMC.  I didn't tell anyone except Torey and Carl.  I had been worried more than I let on.  When I saw the pictures, and they said I needed an Ultra Sound, I just knew it was not good news.  During the u/s the tech went and got the Dr. and while he was looking at the mass he told me that it looked suspicious and wanted to do a biopsy.  They made special arrangements right then and biopsied two spots.  It was pretty uncomfortable on the first 3 passes, but the second set was not as bad.  It felt like a baseball was in my arm pit, but ice helped.

I texted Torey and he came down from his work and we chose Dr. Anderson to make an appointment with for Wednesday Sept 19th to discuss what will be next.  We then went to the cafeteria for lunch.

Wow what a flood of emotions.  How do people take news like this?  I just feel like it isn't really happening, and don't know how I am supposed to handle this.

Dr. Brett Parkinson is the radiologist who did the biopsy, and he called me Thursday morning to give me the bad news that I did in fact have breast cancer.  He said it was invasive ductal cancer which is what 80% of breast cancers are.  It is a mass measuring 2.5 cm and the lymph node that was biopsied also came back positive.  He suggested that I get a breast MRI asap to see if they are the only problem spots.  He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call any time of day or night if I needed anyone to talk to or if I had any questions.

I got off the phone and I just started crying.  All sorts of feelings came flooding in and all I could think about is losing my hair and being sick, how I was going to let my family and friends know, how much it all is going to cost, how this will affect Torey and Carl.  I am just really scared of what can happen.
I know lots of people go through this same thing and do very well, and I have also known some who go through hell and don't ever get well.  The crying was intermittent the rest of the day.

I called all my siblings and only got answering machines.  RaeAnn was the first to answer, then Ty.
The phone calls were returned throughout the day and I broke the news to everyone.  What a stressful day.  We went and looked at a house for sale in Riverton, then Torey called Caleb to see if he would help give me a priesthood blessing.  He called his parents to give them the news and found out that they had not left town yet.  Boyd came over to help with the blessing.  My parents were in Billings during the day, so I didn't talk to them until later that night.  They had left a message saying they were coming on Saturday so that dad could give me a blessing.  I told them thanks, but it wasn't necessary, since I already got one.

The next morning, I called Bobbi at Mill Creek Imaging and let her know what was happening and told her that I might not be in to work if I could get an MRI appt that day.  She was very supportive and I could tell that she was having a hard time taking the news.

I made the MRI appt. for Friday Sept 14, Torey was off and could go with me.
I was surprised that I had to have  IV contrast.  I didn't know much about breast MRI.  The contrast Multihance made me feel like I was going to vomet.  I knew to take deep slow breaths and it would go away, but I felt kind of sick the rest of the day.

Bobbi called and asked me what the results were and I told her I wouldn't know until Wed.  She insisted that I take the disc to ST Marks and ask Dr Bell to go over it with me.  I am glad that I did.
Torey and I sat down and he showed us where the mass and lymph node were.  He told us that he didn't see any other areas of concern.  That was a relief, I had been worried that cancer might be in both breasts.

These flowers are from RaeAnn and they were waiting for me along with dinner and salad when I got home from work.  I didn't really know how stressed I had been until I saw this nice surprise.  I started crying again and was happy that she did this act of service for me.  I guess I needed it even though I thought I was fine, I need to remember this kind of service and pay it forward.

I have always wanted to put a picture of the Salt Lake Temple on my wall, and I wanted one that I took myself, so the other day after work, I went to Temple Square and walked around shooting different angles.  It was not a very pretty day, kind of gray and dreary, no clouds or sunset to make the sky interesting, but I was excited to get home and see what I got.  I found out that I would like to rent a couple of different lenses and go back to play again.
I did get some that I like, and had printed.  I made a frame and mounted the photos, then put a texture over the top.  I like the way they look and want to do more.
Torey thinks that I should find my own niche, and do something no one else does.  I wish that I were more creative that way.

Here are the two pictures that are finished and ready to hang on the wall.  I posted them for sale on KSL and waiting to see what happens.  I am trying to think of other options as well.

2012

I am not very good at posting on this blog. In fact I had sort of forgotten I had one until yesterday when one of my co workers was showing me her cute kids on her blog. Today I am going to try catching up on some things.

This new year has been good so far. Carl turned 12, and was ordained a decon. He is excited to pass the sacrament, and be in young mens instead of primary.

I have been working quite a bit at Utah Imaging, here and there at Mill Creek Imaging and keep my two days a month at Park City Imaging. I still clean my friend's house a couple of times a month also.

I have not done any photo shoots for several months, so I went to the Salt Lake Temple one day after work and took some pictures. I really like how some of them turned out. I was experimenting on HDR and actually had some printed. I had gone to the Wood Connection and got some ideas of how to frame them. I made a frame using 1x2's and put a thin particle board over the top to make a flat surface to glue the photo on. After gluing the photo on, I sanded the edges a bit and made them black. Then I rolled on a photo texture that gives the impression of canvas. I really like the way they turned out.

There was not much snow this year, so Torey didn't get his fill on snowmobiling. Although he did have a scare one day when he and Pete Erekson went to their usual place. He saw that there were no tracks yet on the hill they like to tear up, so he went to make some. He got up to where he wanted to cross over and the snow broke and slid down the mountain. Luckily he stayed on his sled almost to the other side before he got thrown off. Pete said he kept an eye on him the whole time.

We went to Worland for Presidents Day weekend. We stayed at my Aunt Lynn's and saw our cat Tiger. It was fun to pet him. He didn't seem to mind us this time.

While we were in Worland Torey went snowmobiling with Stu Wostenberg, Carl Ren , Dad and I went to Dave Asay's clinic and cleaned it up a bit. Carl took some pictures of some Bald Eagles in a tree.

We also on a spur of the moment went to St. George. We stayed with the Buddells in their hotel. Carl, Abby, Trevor swam most of the time. We went to a fun place to eat. It was the Sameri, the chef was very entertaining. He flipped zucchini in our mouths. Carl only missed one. I missed them ALL. We had side aches from laughing.

The big news so far this year is that Torey and I bought a brand new pickup. We needed to get rid of our van, and one day we went to go test drive a Dodge. We came home with it. It is very RED so I made a BYU sticker for the back window. It looks great!